Fish Love, and why it matters
Years ago, I was chatting with a Rabbi from B’nai Jeshurun in New York. During the conversation, the subject of marriage came up, and more specifically, the advice that was given to each of us when we were getting married.
I don’t even remember who it was that gave me what for me remains the best advice about relationships I’ve ever been given. The advice I was given was “Don’t marry someone because you can imagine living with them. Marry them because you can’t imagine living without them”.
After an incredible 36 years marriage to the most loving and supportive man I’ve ever known, I can attest that the advice worked for me.
The Rabbi however had another view to offer. He reckoned that when couples came to him, he’d ask them “Okay, so, the question is, is this true love, or is it fish love”. He explained his position thus. We sometimes say, for example, that we “love fish”. And yet, we say it while we are eating said fish…… His point was, in saying that we “love” someone, is it driven by concern for their best needs, or by our own?
Later in the conversation, he commented that another source of concern for him when counselling couples approaching marriage, was what he called the “I can change them” syndrome. I love them really, except for….. But I can change them. His view was that if people wanted to change, they’d either be in the process of doing so, or would have done so.
One definition of love, one that has always worked for me, is that love is “unconditional acceptance”. That’s not to say that anything goes, for all time, on all occasions. Of course people will say and do things that offend, hurt or irritate you, and of course, you have the right to raise this with them. But in the end, people will only change if they choose to do so.
If you truly love someone, you accept them as they are, not how you might want them to be; with all their virtues, with all their faults, you love them anyway. And you’ll do everything you can to support them in achieving their best future. And if they truly love you, then they’ll do the same for you.
Alexander Dalgleish-Weaver
