Do To or Do With?
One of the most basic human needs is to feel that we are in control of our own lives. You only have to look at a toddler’s frustration when they are stopped from doing something by a responsible parent, to understand the fury that thwarted desires and aspirations can cause. This may seem an odd subject for a medium. For me however, it goes to the heart of what makes for a good medium.
My relationship with my parents could best be described as “traumatic”. While they were alive, my mother suffered from severe neurosis, resulting in mood swings, verbal and emotional violence and paranoia. The key phrase in there however is “while alive”.
The “Do To” I’ve received throughout my life has been from well-meaning healthcare professionals and often the mediums, who assured me that “You must make peace with your mother. It’s the only way you’ll be happy”. The most offensive episode was the nurse who was caring for my mother the day she died, who informed me in clear terms that she thought I was at fault for not spending all my time with my mother while she was ill, and that “if it was her mother, she’d fly back to (….) immediately to be with her”. This from someone who knew none of the history between myself and my mother, at the same time as my mother was clearly making preparations to move on to the next life.
At the time of my mother’s death, I felt rage, anger, betrayal, a strong sense of the damage she did to both my life and those of others never being acknowledged let alone accepted as wrong.
After her death, she came through via a series of sessions when I’d sit in professional development and supervision circles with fellow mediums. She made it very clear that she wanted me to give up my anger with her, and for us to go back to “how things were”. For her, that meant that she got a clear pass on her appalling behaviour, while I took full responsibility. Not surprisingly, I refused. In one memorable sitting with a medium who is also a close friend I made it clear to her that I had no intention of speaking with her any further, until the first subject of conversation was an apology from her for her conduct.
Frankly, I expected nothing more than that . I had made it clear to her that I had no wish to hear from her, and made my view similarly clear to all the mediums with whom I routinely worked. That, I believed would be the end of the story.
What I hadn’t realised was that my anger had stopped me from hearing the apology when it finally came. One very brave medium with whom I work routinely, and for whom I have the utmost respect, suggested very gently that maybe I should listen to her for just one last time. Grudgingly, with no expectation of change, I agreed. Finally, for the first time in our entire relationship, she acknowledged my point of view. Slowly, as her story unfolded, I started to understand how the trauma of the outbreak of the Second World War had paralysed her, leaving her emotionally damaged.
Now, when my mother and I meet up, she’s a joyous presence in my life. She’s the charming, carefree, silly, wonderful lady I caught glimpses of all too infrequently throughout my early life. But none of that could ahem been achieved with an attitude of “Do To”. Each of us had to reach our own understanding at our own pace, in our own time. But that understanding required the oh so delicate hand of a truly skilled medium to broker that discussion on both sides; to help each of us understand that there’s space to understand each other, and space to hear each other.
There is a view of mediumship that we are”like a telephone, uninvolved in the message”. I agree with that view only so far. There is no place for the medium to “interpret” the message; it is their responsibility to pass n messages as accurately and as purely as possible.
However there is also sometimes a role for the medium to “broker” the relationship, encouraging the sitter, and sometimes those in Spirit, to listen to uncomfortable messages, from which then both sides can learn and grow further. Sometimes, the medium must “do with” the sitter in order to help them to accept that there may be an argument to listen. It’s essential that the message never turn into directions, instruction, or “I know best”. But sometimes it is the role of the medium to help with that discussion.
Always remember however, no medium should “do to” - always “do with”.
Alexander Dalgleish-Weaver
